Post Ascension Boredom
by Calypso Diangelos
Summary: *Finished* When Daniel gets bored, he starts to meddle in the lives of his unascended friends, and when he starts to meddle… (S/J) CH3: Sam plots her vengance against Jack... will Jonas Survive? CH2 Edited
1. Chapter 1

Post Ascension Boredom

By: Calypso

When Daniel gets bored, he starts to meddle in the lives of his unascended friends, and when he starts to meddle… (S/J) This one may actually be funny.

AN - This is what happens when I get bored while in class, very different from my usual writing style.

Disclaimer: Danny isn't mine yadda yadda yadda, you know the drill.

Spoilers: Enemies, Meridian, and Abyss

****

Danny's POV

Bored….Bored…..Bored…….. GAHH!

Geez, who would have known that being ascended could be so dull.

You'd think that being almost omnipotent would be a tad more entertaining.

What I wouldn't give for a Goul'd invasion just now.

Heck, I'd be happy to be rolling a tennis ball around with Jack on a Tokr'a ship.

Or seeing whether I could use more big words than Sam in a sentence just to annoy Jack.

Or explaining Earth colloquialisms to Teal'c.

Or even letting Janet's nurses stick me full of needles.

Or… Or…

Or battling replicators… well ok maybe not but… but…

Oh alright! So I just miss them!

I mean, sure being ascended is great. 

All of the cultures and knowledge I have access to is astounding, in fact it's… well it's… GREAT!

It just gets a little boring sometimes…

Not to mention lonely…. after all, what's the fun of finding artifacts if I can't share the discovery with Sam? Or drive Jack nuts by showing him my new 'rocks' as he calls them.

And besides, I miss Janet…. I mean hey, I miss them all!

I checked out my place last week, loved what Teal'c did with the candles.

Loved the fact that he's reading all those books I've got.

Wanted to kill him for locking all my artifacts in that storage closet.

At least Jonas didn't get my lab,

I think.

Maybe I ought to go check that out… then again maybe not.

I could go take a look around base though… 

I mean if my friends don't _see_ me at the SGC I'm not technically meddling, and if they don't talk to me while I'm there I'm not technically breaking any rules. 

Now how to get there…

Well I'm in the Sun just now, Sam always wanted to know what it was like in here, after this I can definitely say that she's not missing out on much. Guess I'll just wish myself over. Closing eyes

__

Wishing… wishing… wishing…

Opening eyes and… Wahoo! SGC infirmary, never thought I'd be so glad to see it.

Oh look, the new guy, I mean Jonas is getting a physical… hahaha! Nurse Owens huh? Poor Guy!

Now, let's go see what Sam's got in her lab.

Naquada reactor, naquadria alloy, gadgets and gizmos, oh my… 

Is that Jack? 

How'd she get a picture of him uh… 

I mean I knew she liked him but…. 

Better put that back where it came from.

Sheesh… 

Who knew Sam had a thing for - oh hey is that the statue I used to keep in my lab?

Nice to know she likes it.

Wonder if she realizes it's a Babylonian fertility god.

Nah, if she did she wouldn't be using it for a paperweight.

Wonder how Jack's doing. 

Think I'll go check out his office.

Glad to see it's as empty as ever. 

Seems he took one of my statues too.

Wonder if he knows that it goes with the one in Sam's office.

Oh look team photograph. Wish I had a copy… 

Wonder what's on his computer… amazing that I've actually missed Microsoft.

See, it's not that I can't touch things, I just can't be visible at the same time. 

Now, to turn the computer.

Jack's password… oh that's easy.

It's_ Samantha_ of course.

Hum let's see…

E.mail,

Half finished mission report,

Oh look a photo album.

Team photo,

Teal'c in a cowboy hat

Another team photo and…

Dear Lord!

Blank

Blank

Don't think

Oh God!

__

Sam… wearing _THAT_!? 

Yikes, ok next page.

Still Sam… at least she's in uniform this time and not… ok I'm not even going to think about that one. 

Hum… Geez, Sam would kill him if she ever found this.

Especially that first photograph. If she ever saw a copy of that…

Hey…

Copy…

Hehe… *mental snickering*

I think I'll just borrow this photograph for a moment.

Make a slight detour at Sam's office….

Ha! Machine room, glad to know it's still here.

Good no one's around now,

Photo copy 1

Photo copy 2

Now should I leave it in their offices? 

Nah… Jack would never find his and Sam would probably miss hers since she gets to work the moment she steps in there.

I know, mission briefings!

Where would those be?

Oh, Hammond's office.

Here they are. 

All done!

Wish I could stay and admire my handy work. 

Better not, don't want to test my luck too much.

Still miss them though,

Maybe I'll come later.

Back to the sun…

Nah, maybe Abydos.

Nice and warm here,

Hum, maybe I'll let the wind blow me around a bit.

Nothing quite as comfy as that, it's like finishing a mission report early, knowing that the rest of the day is yours.

Mission reports… Hammond's office…

Wait a minutes… Jonas was getting a _post_ mission check up.

Those weren't mission briefings they were…

Oh Crap!

Jack and Sam are gonna kill me.

Oh wait a minute, they can't.

Whew!

Guess being ascended _isn't_ so bad after all.

*Fini*

Liked it? Loved it? Hated it? Did you at least get a laugh out of it?


	2. Chapter 2

AN - Well, I really hadn't intended to write this. In fact I almost didn't - this really isn't as inspired as the last chapter. It's been the week from hell around here I think I just needed something to take my mind off of what life has been like around here. I'm sorry I haven't updated my other fic but I'm going on vacation this weekend so that should give me some time to write etc. Hope you enjoy this and remember: Reviews are what keep this writer going. Otherwise, I go on strike and you don't get the ending. And trust me, Sam's revenge is worth reading. =P

Post Ascension Boredom II

I really should stay away from Earth. 

Especially considering what I did yesterday. 

You'd think I'd learned my lesson

Oma hasn't found out yet - which in it self is a miracle.

I can't go back and make those photo's mysteriously disappear. 

That Oma would notice.

But I can't just let my friends fry can I?

Nah.

I really don't want to see Jack discharged.

Even if he was the one who told Teal'c about to put my artifacts in that storage closest.

And he thinks I don't know.

Besides, there's Sam to think about.

What to do

What to do….

Hum….

Get in trouble or save Jack's dignity?

Get in trouble or save Sam's modesty?

Well... they _are_ my friends

But it'd be _fun_ to see the General get the photos. 

I could just watch.

I don't *think* there's anything in the rules against that.

But if I just watch they'll get in trouble.

And staying here… 

Well I really do like early Celtic culture,

But I like the SGC better.

Guess I'll go after all. 

Close eyes,

Wish, wish, wish.

Open eyes… why do I always end up in the infirmary whenever I come here?

And why is Jonas _under_ the examination table?

"Oh Jonas!" Ah, Nurse Owens... I should probably tell him that he'd have better luck if he hid in the storage closet on level twenty-three… nah. That would be meddling, and I'm not allowed to meddle. 

Now to find Jack…

"Colonel O'Neill to General Hammond's office. Colonel O'Neill to General Hammond's office." 

Oh, that would answer my question. 

Off to the General's office it is.

He's got some really great décor,

Could really do with some Myan statues though,

The Tokr'a carving he has is just weird.

I wonder how he's going to react to those photos.

It's not everyday you find out that your female personnel like to wear lacy red lingerie under their BDU's

Or that Jack uses a pink lathering puff when he showers.

Although, now that I think of it, that lathering puff belongs to Sam.

Humm….

Wonder what else those two share.

"Now Colonel, I would like to ask you some questions about your last mission report."

Oh good, Jack's here.

"Yes sir."

Poor guy, no idea what he's in for. I almost feel sorry for him.

"Well, my first question is why you saw fit to include these photographs."

Wow. For a guy his age, the general throws pretty well. 

Especially since color photocopies float. 

Geez… I think Jack is actually speechless.

Come on buddy,

Use your head.

Just come up with something alread.

Tick tock

Tick tock.

Jack! THINK!

"I uhh… wanted to show you the inadequacy of the security around here." 

Whoa… smooth one. 

Guess hanging around Sam and I finally paid off.

Well, that and the black ops training. 

"Security Colonel?"

"Yes Sir. I found these in the machine room. Sir, if the security personnel are photocopying images from the security cameras in the locker room, what else might they be doing? I thought that it was a major security risk that needed to be brought to your attention immediately." 

Yep. Definitely learning. 

Not such the 'dumb solider' after all huh Jack.

"I see."

Come on General… it's a feasible excuse. 

And think of how much trouble reporting him would cause.

"Alright Colonel, I'll look into it."

"Thank you sir." 

"Dismissed."

"Yes sir."

Well, that wasn't too bad.

"Oh and one more thing."

Or maybe it will be.

"Yes sir?"

"Tell Major Carter to come down here ASAP. I want to talk to her about some discrepancies between her report and Jonas'."

Uh oh.

Jack's gone to get her.

He probably believes the General too.

If Sam comes up with a different story…

Oh Boy.

This could get messy.

"Sir?" 

That was fast.

She must've been nearby. 

"Major Carter come here please."

Uh oh.

"Why exactly did you put these in your mission report." 

Oh Damn.

Plead the fifth Sam.

Plead the fifth.

"Uhh… security sir."

Wha? 

Did she just use the same excuse Jack did?

Oh my.

"Really? Than you and the colonel had discussed this?"

"Yes sir, he uh… he said that the matter needed to be brought to your attention." 

Wait.

Is it just me or is that a little too close to what Jack came up with?

Note to self: Make sure Sam spends a little less time with Jack. Her rubbing off on him is not bad. The other way around is not good.

"I see. Thank you Major, it's been noted. Dismissed."

"Yes sir."

Whoa… is it just me or did she take that a little _too_ well. 

No wait fuming… that's not right.

Ok… guess she's not taking it so well.

Aw shit. She thinks Jack did it.

Better go see where she's headed. 

Oh, she's going to the infirmary. 

Maybe now I'll get to see Janet

"Janet, I'm gonna kill that bastard!!!"

Hey, where's Janet? 

"**_Jonas_**?" 

Huh?

What's she talking about?

"Major Carter!"

"Sam!"

Opps. Maybe I should have told him about that storage closet after all.


	3. Chatper 3

AN - Well, I've changed the end of the last chapter so that it makes a bit more sense. If this one suffers from the same problem, please tell me. This chapter is the end of this particular story, I don't think I'll be doing anymore. If I do write a sequel however, it will be after I finish Pirate Queen and The Amalgam. (Both of which I've sorely neglected.) Anyway, please read and review. I hope you enjoy!

Jonas.

Restrained on an infirmary bed.

With Nurse Owens sitting on top of his chest.

Oh man.

And I thought I'd seen everything.

Damn.

That woman has got to be at least 200 pounds.

That can't be comfortable. 

Hum…

There are aggressive women,

And then there are the insane ones.

That's one of them.

"LT. OWENS!" 

Yep. Sam agrees.

"GET OFF OF HIM! THAT'S A DIRECT ORDER!" 

Well, at least she obeys orders.

"Airman! Escort Lt. Owens to lockup now!"

Ouch. That's a bit harsh.

Although I have to say she deserves it.

"You alright Jonas?"

"Yeah, just a little…. Shell shocked. Please tell me not all Earth women are like that?"

"Don't worry their not."

Poor guy… at least Sam came in.

Wait a minute. 

Why is Sam grinning?

The situation wasn't _that_ funny. 

Oh wait a minute, that's not her 'I'm amused' grin.

She giggles when she's amused.

That's her revenge grin.

Oh no… what've I done?

"Hey Jonas, how you would like to get off base this weekend?"

Aw crap. 

***

Pacing…

Pacing…

Ok so I'm nervous!

I may be ascended but I'm not God.

I can't predict what's about to happen.

I can't figure out what Sam's planning.

And I don't think Jonas does either. 

Somehow I think he was better off with Nurse Owens.

Or at least safer.

Pacing 

Pacing

Geez - I think I'm going to wear a hole in this floor if Sam doesn't show up soon.

Why did she tell Jonas to meet her outside of Jacks office?

Oh here she is.

Uh oh.

She looks good in black, 

Especially in a black pantsuit.

Unfortunately, I think she forgot that shirts have more then two buttons.

I can see her bra from here.

Wait a minute…

Jacks office…

Jonas…

Unbuttoned shirt…

Oh man. 

I should really tell Jonas to run.

But that would be meddling.

"Sir?" 

Hum… peeking into his office.

I wonder if she realizes just how much she uh… reveals when she leans in like that.

Yep, she does.

"Cart - er"

Hum… he noticed to.

"What can I do for you major?"

Jack _really_ shouldn't stare at her chest like that.

Especially not with that guilty expression.

You'd think Black-Ops training would've taught him better.

"Actually sir I just wanted to tell you that I'm going off base for the weekend." 

Jack - Sam is not the only woman in the world to wear blue lingerie - say something!

"That's nice."

Oh, really intelligent.

"It's certainly a change for you - got any plans?"

Sam should really stop inching closer to his desk like that.

"Yes sir."

She's really punishing him now. 

She knows she shouldn't lean over his desk like that.

Especially since her blue bra covers almost less than the red one did.

"Jonas is spending the weekend at my place." 

Ouch! 

I wonder if it hurts when you close your mouth that fast.

"Your place?"

"Well yes sir, I thought he might like to see the outside world in a more… normal atmosphere than the Gaoul'd town. I figured we could catch a movie, do some shopping, Jonas can finally see that Commissary food is not the only thing humans eat. In fact, I think he said something about wanting to see what human music was like - I was thinking of taking him to a dance club or something. What do you think? " 

Oh man; movies, shopping, dancing, and diner.

I can just see it now.

Sam is painting this whole thing out like an extended date on purpose.

Jack seems to be turning a rather unattractive shade of green.

"Major - perhaps Jonas isn't ready for so much… exposure - to the outside world that is."

He was going to say 'to you' 

I know it!

He really should stop staring now.

"Hey Sam, I'm all ready!" 

Hum… Jonas' grin seems to be immune to Jack.

Who knew?

Sam's throwing that smile of hers at him again.

Jack _can't_ like that.

Wait a minute - That's MY leather jacket.

Why is he wearing MY leather jacket?

"Great! Let's get going - "

Oh no. 

Why do I see Jack coming up with one of his *brilliant* ideas?

"Actually Carter, I was thinking that maybe you and Jonas could come to my cabin, do some fishing, actually get some rest. It would be a lower security risk and I think Jonas would really like it. What do you say?"

Oh no, that grin.

Sam's got something up her sleeve.

"I actually think that's a good idea. Jonas?"

"I'd love to see how people 'fish' here on Earth… although I'd feel bad about making you change your plans."

Jack's opening his mouth.

Seems like Sam's faster.

"Not at all, we already have the General's approval. All we have to do is phone him and tell him of the change in plan."

Hey, this isn't so bad after all. 

Guess I misjudged Sam's motives.

That little stunt with the shirt was probably her only 'revenge'. 

The new SG1spending a weekend at Jack's, that's not bad. 

Maybe they can get Teal'c to come along to.

"General Hammond? This is Major Cater."

Oh good, she's putting it on speakerphone.

"Major."

"Sir, Colonel O'Neill suggested that we take Jonas to his fishing Cabin this weekend. Since it's less of a security risk I thought -."

"Major, I have no objection to the Colonel and Jonas going fishing, but I'm afraid that you are going to have to stay on base this weekend."

"Sir?"

Hum… that sounded surprised.

But somehow I think Sam had this planed.

"Major, you never finished running the skimatics (AN: not sure if this is a word here) we needed for Sg11's next mission. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to stay this weekend and get that done." 

"I see."

Aww… just the right amount of disappointment.

Sam should've been an actress.

"Very well sir. I'll be down in the lab within the hour."

She set him up.

Jack is now stuck entertaining Jonas for the weekend.

I'm hoping Jonas survives.

"Well Colonel, I guess I won't be joining you this weekend after all."

He's glaring. 

That can't be good.

"Have a good weekend sir! Enjoy Minnesota Jonas."

Oh man - that grin again.

He _knows_ she set him up.

I almost feel sorry for him.

A weekend with an alien…

He's going to _hate_ answering all those questions I can see bubbling in Jonas' mind.

At least he'll get some fishing in.

Oh well, this situation resolved itself after all.

Now I can FINALLY go visit Janet! 

I've been meaning to see her since I first came back.

After all,

I didn't _really_ 'meddle'.

__

That's what you think.

Oh no… please don't let that be - 

__

Yep... this is Oma, Daniel… I think we need to talk.

Aw Crap.

~Fini~

__


End file.
